2013, is tough

suprised, tht im blogging again. its january. january of 2014. yea its late but, hello new year :)

im glad tht it is 2014 now. 2013 was really a big obstacle for me tho. losing someone like peng, having new partner and losing him again, its enough for me to be sad. banyak benda yang aku lalu, sangat sangat sangat banyak. kalau nak cerita pun mcm tak berbaloi sbb tak cukup satu page maybe hahaha.

but wht ive learnt is, to appreciate things. benda yang kita ada sekarang, tak mustahil esok akan hilang. benda yang kita tak jaga elok elok sekarang, tak mustahil akan pergi esok harinya. macam peng. a really good friend. a close one. tapi since bila kitorang dah jarang tegur, we hd crisis. but i always wanted to talk to him. seeing he smiles pun dah okay dah. bumped into him tapi tak bertegur sapa, sangat sangat sangat sakit bila nak ingat balik. sangat sangat sangat sakit bila fikir yang i never get tht chances anymore. he's gone for good. and i hope he's doing fine down there, accompanied by our doa and alfatihah. peng i really missed you. we missed you.

i remember, the day peng meninggal time tu aku nak pergi rumah aten. time tu tgh naik ktm. i wore a blue blouse and grey bawal. so clear. masa dapat call from aten tu aku dekat stesen ktm sg buloh. and aten called, and bgtau "wey kau tau tak pasal peng? dia meninggal!" so clear. i remember everything. lepastu my tears burst out, yet i still smiling and crying and smiling rolling in the same time. rasa mcm takde arah sangat time tu. rasa mcm lemah sgt untuk bergerak keluar dari ktm tu walaupun time tu sgt besar peluang utk lari pergi hospital sg buloh. rasa mcm taktau nak buat apa. rasa buntu. and terus call syuk. syuk is the first person i called lepas call umi peng mintak pengesahan. no i didnt make the call, asiela did. sbb aku tak kuat nak dengar suara mak dia menangis. i promised something to her a week bfore peng died. i promised to her to take care of peng, to see him everyday at school and to make sure tht he is fine. i promised, and tak sampai seminggu pun janji tu aku tunaikan. and aku rasa mcm aku yg tak jaga peng. aku yg tak pesan kat dia suruh bawak motor elok elok. aku yg tak pesan kat dia jgn bawak motor laju laju. aku rasa semua tu salah aku. i texted him, and got no replies and 5minutes after tht lah aten call aku cakap dia dah meninggal ya Allah, sedihnya aku rasa time tu. kalau lah pagi pagi lg dah text dia, kalaulah sempat pagi tu call dia. tapi takdir Allah kita kena terima dengan hati yang terbuka. ada hikmah semua tu terjadi and ada hikmah kenapa peng dipilih. Allah loves him more than us, more than me, more than his family. apa yang kita boleh buat sekarang ni hanyalah mendoakan dia. and ditakdirkan pulak malam tu aku start seminar dekat MC. got no chance nak pergi lawat. but im happy sbb time tu ramai sangat kawan kawan yg datang. peng, diorang dtg nak tgk you tau. ramai iring you. ramai sayang you. 

lepas peng meninggal, kerap sangat aku menangis. i never cry so hard before, but i did for him. siapa tak sedih. ini bukan pergi saja, ni pergi tak kembali. orang yang rapat dengan kita. yang selalu concern and tanya "you okay tak ni?" whenever i got problems. orang yg selalu calm me down whenever i got mad. he's gone for good. selalu je kalau teringat dia, tulis dalam diari yang dia bg for my birthday. dalam tu ada tulisan dia, lukisan dia, and menangis lagi.

"and i hope to see your smile in the future even tht time i already gone from this world"

he wrote that. 

we will meet, peng. we will meet someday. in a different atmosphere, different world, but hopefully in a good way. in the way that ill meet you with a smile on my face. in the way tht ill meet you and say hi i miss you. someday ill return to Him, just like you. just like my uncle and grandfathers. just like the others. just wait a lil bit more, we will be with you down there. next month kalau ada masa, kalau takde aral melintang, aku nak pergi lawat kubur arwah. aku nak jumpa mak dia. aku nak mintak maaf sbb tak jaga dia walau aku tau semua ni bukan salah aku but i feel bad. so the things here, appreciate things we had before we lose them.

it has been 4months peng meninggal, but still tbh peng, you are still in my heart&in everyone's heart. 

Arwah Muhamad Arif Hanif Bin Ahmad Razif
Alfatihah.....